Here's the thing: Carleton has totally slaughtered my self-confidence in school. Thanks, $48,000 a year college education!Seriously though, majoring in an area that is not at all my strong suit means that I spend a lot of time being totally clueless and/or wrong, which in turn means that I dread going to any and all science courses for fear of total humiliation in front of my gifted fellow students.*
I've noticed more and more the past couple years that I don't like to talk in class, that I second guess myself (even when I know the answer), and that all my science-related neuroses have started carrying over to other courses as well. I know it's good to be wrong and learn humility and all, but honestly, even when I did talk in class (re: high school and all the English classes I took freshman year) I was on the lower end of the self-esteem spectrum, so I'm not worried about getting too cocky.**
(Side note: These are all pictures I took today after school. It's so beautiful here!)
That being said, I felt so good about classes today! I had Archeology, Oral and Written Expression, and Societé Française, which is a sociology/poli sci-ish class. I could go into detail about questions asked and yadda yadda, but basically: I knew answers! I know this sounds silly, but seriously, all my academic confidence has just been shredded to pieces at Carleton, and it feels really, really good to know the answers again.
Basically, today sort of reassured me. Part of the reason this was so significant to me was because I'm the student here with the least amount of experience speaking French. The base requirement is supposed to be two years, and I've had about 1 1/3, whereas a lot of other students have studied French for six or eight. So being in a class about French vocab and grammar and knowing the answers when other people don't? It definitely assuaged my fears about the coming semester.
I know parts will be really rough--I'm expecting it to be--but I already feel so much better in this program knowing I can hold my own in class, and honestly, you have to be right a few times before you have the courage to be wrong, so I'm hoping this will translate over to Carleton as well.
*My gifted fellow students are part of the reason I am a geo major. They are wonderful and brilliant and so fun (even the super brilliant ones are fun underneath all their knowledge! it's true.), and I would rather be freaking out in the geo lab at 3am with twenty other people than alone in my room having a panic attack with no one to catch me if I pass out, because I seriously can't afford another concussion. These are the kinds of things I considered when choosing a major.
**I am proud to say I no longer obsess over whether or not the reason that girl across the room has a funny look on her face is because I have cereal stuck to my shirt or my jeans are slightly too short or she noticed my frizzy hair and now doesn't want to talk to me. I'm getting more normal by the minute!
